If You Hear Me Clap Once

Sometimes on the race, people ask you to share and/or lead a devotion, and for some odd reason for me, it’s always when I’m going through a struggle. That happened to me right before my month 8 debrief. My mentor Megan (aka mom) asked me to speak in front of the squad at debrief (which is more or less like a check in on the field done every couple of months). 

Let me paint a picture for you, so I’m sitting on my bed in our apartment in Colombia. I had been sick for about 2 weeks at this point, so I wasn’t in the best head space. Megan messaged me and asked “Can you pray about sharing at debrief?” At first I didn’t respond, then I thought well I should say something so I said “Yes ma’am”. To which she replied “YAY!!! I’m so excited”. So naturally a little panic set in. I wasn’t saying yes, I was saying I would pray about it. Also, like I said, I wasn’t in the best head space from being sick, but I figured God probably had something to say through me. 

Fast forward to a couple of days later when I decided to open my bible again after being sick and sad and kind of low key ignoring God for a little bit. He took me to James 5:13-20 (which talks about the effectiveness of prayer). I was like how awesome this speaks to me. I start reading and writing notes, when I get a message from someone on my squad who needs to talk. I was thinking I just got going well, why now?  But I trust the Lord, so I go have a talk. 

This conversation went completely differently than I was expecting and it just left me angry and lonely. I was so confused and I was pretty sure that I didn’t need to speak in front of my squad, because I didn’t want to talk to them or share anything with them. I was so angry I just wanted to run away and pretend that the conversation never happened. God had other plans though. 

Megan got there a week before debrief to do ministry with us. So one night when I was hiding in the hallway, she saw me and asked me what was wrong. I told her what happened and how I felt hurt and not loved well. She prayed for me, then I said “I don’t think I should speak”, and she said “now I know you should speak. This is going to be all Holy Spirit I can’t wait.” 

A week goes by and I don’t hear anything from the Lord about what I need to share, but what I do hear is “talk to people, let them know how you feel”. So I have hard conversation after hard conversation. I feel at peace and relieved, but still don’t know what I’m going to share. 

Sunday morning, the day we leave for debrief, I’m sitting in service listening to a guest pastor from the states, so I can actually understand everything he’s saying, and the Lord speaks loud and clear “communication”. It’s like the heavens opened up and I kept hearing from Him the entire service. I couldn’t write fast enough. He showed me that’s what I was missing. That’s why I was so far away from Him when I was sick. That’s why I got so mad, because people were talking about me, but not to me. That’s why I felt alone, because I wasn’t letting people in. It was the answer to so many things. 

I could see after already having hard conversations that He asked me to have and also prepared my heart for, that it had such a positive effect on my spiritual walk and so many around me. Clear communication is the key that unlocks the door to better understand. 

That’s what I spoke on and it turned out that I wasn’t the only one that needed to hear it. Because of my willingness to share even when I didn’t want to. God was able to bring much healing. 

All in all, it was nice to be reminded that we are called a body of believers for a reason. It’s because we all make up a different part. So if you’re feeling discouraged just remember you can only do what you can do and God will orchestra the rest. 

-Elizabeth:)